Our History

Stardust House can be traced all the way back to 1493, when Columbus returned from the Americas with a large number of sex-starved sailors and was forced to establish a brothel to stop their uncontrollable urges from laying waste to the entire Canarian Archipelago.

The brothel was originally named Casa y Polvo de Estrella after Columbus' sister, the infamous Bloated Whore of Hispaniola, who became the House's first manager.

Estrella Columbus was feared throughout the Known World for her overpowering poor hygiene combined with a habit of pulverizing non-paying customers by slapping them senseless with one of the exceptionally smelly fat rolls protruding from her germ-infested, bloated belly. Not a health hazard to be taken lightly in those days: for example, contrary to popular belief, Syphilis originated not in South America, but from the bacteria festering on a small piece of gräddost that was stuck under one of her humongous fat rolls: one day in the early 1500s, these mutated into its current virulent form and spread across the planet with alarming speed.

Nevertheless, Casa y Polvo de Estrella remained in operation until the 18th century, when the house was converted to a slightly more normal guesthouse by her great-great-great-great grandson Christobál Paterson. He anglified its name to distance the business from its depraved origins, and it became known as Stardust House.

It was around Paterson's time that Albin The Wanderer appeared.

Image: historical photo of Christobál Paterson

The Wanderer

A fearsome apparition, Albin is a bearded spectre some say is the ghost of a hungarian jew looking for his lost overcoat (a piece of clothing the maid mistakenly gave to the poor, thus making it impossible for his greedy soul to ever find peace). Albin periodically materializes in the night, laughing maniacally while a smell of cheap red wine and the faint sounds of eerie music emanates from the Laundry Room.

Modern times

Until recently, Stardust House was maintained by Johnny Paterson, who seeked to make it into a safe space for elderly swedish women. This business model failed miserably when it turned out this category of traveller could not abide the persistent "cigar smoke" leaking from the terrace. The house has since become a refuge for all kinds of sketchy types trying to avoid Northern Winters, while Paterson has escaped to Thailand to avoid the wrath of Albin´s ghost. Today, both a weird Norwegian and some guy from Cuba pretends to be House Managers, but they convince nobody.

Even so, we still maintain the time-honored tradition of slapping non-paying and complaining or lamenting customers (though, lacking the formidable layers of fat of Paterson´s ancestor, a big slab of raw pork is used for this purpose today). Our muslim guests should therefore be aware of this minor Haram inconvenience.

Because of the vigorous pork slapping (or porking in the local dialect), House Residents lives an increasingly mindless existence as their brain damage becomes more severe by each passing day. But despite its comatose zombie clientele, Stardust House has become wildly successful as the first and only Rooftop Camping Site in Las Palmas.

False rumours

It is rumoured that city buses passing below Stardust House balconies transports away the burned-out husks of braindead travellers once their bank accounts are sucked dry, but all our guests should rest assured this is merely false news circulated by Columbus Hostel (a notoriously evil competing house founded by the Bilderberger Group as a front for the Illuminati).

To this day, the door to the Laundry Room of Stardust House can sometimes be found to be locked from the inside: it is believed that Albin The Wanderer still desperately searches through the linens at night, doomed to haunt the Laundry Room forever. Our guests should not be concerned, however: by morning, everything returns to normal. And nowadays, his manifestations are rare - only invoked by the management's scarce attempts at bookkeeping.

In conclusion, we welcome you to Stardust House, and hope you will have a pleasant stay. Your deposit is non-refundable.